| Do you, like many people, assume that if your | | | | calming down if you are becoming overly |
| relationship is running on autopilot everything is | | | | aggressive, too!) |
| going fine? Just because your day-to-day routines | | | | 4. Pretend you are in customer service when |
| seem to be going along without conflict doesn't | | | | your partner has a complaint. Maybe your partner |
| mean that you have good communication. In fact, | | | | has a legitimate reason to come to you and ask |
| not paying attention--not communicating--is more | | | | for change. Listen as though you are being called |
| likely to cause conflict than pretending that all is | | | | upon to help your partner, not as though you are |
| well. Here are six secrets to better | | | | being criticized or attacked. Then start working on |
| communication between partners. | | | | ways to make your "customer" happier by |
| 1. Set aside a regular time to talk about what is | | | | problem solving some ways that you can both |
| going on in your life at the moment. Two to three | | | | get what you want or need. |
| times a week is good, but daily is even better. | | | | 5. Make it be okay to talk about things at a later |
| Start your conversation on a positive note by | | | | time or date. Just because you cannot handle the |
| mentioning something that is going well in your | | | | anxiety of holding onto a problem doesn't mean |
| relationship. For example, perhaps you were able | | | | that you should force your partner to talk about |
| to make a difficult decision without arguing. Then | | | | something right away. Ask your partner if he or |
| let your partner do the same. This helps remind | | | | she is willing to talk about a particular topic at the |
| the two of you why you are together. After | | | | moment, or if there is a better time. Chances are |
| that, you can let your partner know what it is | | | | you will have a more productive conversation. |
| that you would like to work on, and ask for your | | | | 6. Don't talk a topic into the ground. Sometimes |
| partner's cooperation. At first, this may take a | | | | you will need more information before you can |
| good 30 minutes or so, but after awhile your | | | | resolve a conflict. Sometimes you need to take a |
| discussions should take less time as you handle | | | | break so that the brain can process what is going |
| the things that need attention on a regular basis. | | | | on. Creative problem solving usually takes place |
| 2. Avoid aggression when you communicate. | | | | when the mind has a chance to rest. Make it |
| Aggression means putting your partner down, | | | | okay to disagree about something, but agree to |
| raising your voice, using sarcasm, or making | | | | think about it and discuss it again at some other |
| unkind remarks. It also means that you think you | | | | time. |
| are superior to your partner--what kind of | | | | The basic secret of good communication is to |
| cooperation are you expecting to get from acting | | | | speak to one another as adults. You wouldn't call |
| like that? | | | | a friend or co-worker terrible names if they had a |
| 3. Avoid being passive, too. That means when | | | | difference of opinion, must less a stranger. You |
| your partner wants to discuss something, you | | | | are two different people and neither of you is an |
| don't cross your arms and pout, turn your head | | | | authority on reality. Don't be afraid of conflict; |
| or look away, or leave the room. Send an SOS to | | | | conflict signals an opportunity for growth. With |
| your inner adult and ask your adult to be present | | | | practice, good communication can lead to true |
| for discussion. Use deep breathing to calm down if | | | | peace, not just avoidance of much-needed |
| any sort of conflict tends to make you nervous. | | | | discussion. Good communication is at the core of |
| (Say, using deep breathing is good advice for | | | | creating a feeling of intimacy and trust. |