| Have you ever wanted to slap a police officer in | | | | works it's way through the economy. |
| the face? Or your kids? Or another driver on the | | | | And process this-you can be fined up to $1000 |
| road? Here's your chance to do it...at least, | | | | for a first time littering offense. Apparently a gum |
| metaphorically. Stay tuned and I'll tell you how. | | | | wrapper on the side of the road is more of a |
| But, first, let me start by saying I was out | | | | threat to society than a distracted, reckless |
| running this morning. Okay, jogging. Okay, ambling, | | | | featherbrain behind the wheel of a two ton |
| really. I was safely on the sidewalk racing towards | | | | moving vehicle. (Wipe that smug smile off your |
| an intersection...okay, plodding towards an | | | | face, litterers of all things non-biodegradable, your |
| intersection. I had the green light to cross, but a | | | | day of reckoning is coming in a future blog.) |
| Lexus waiting to turn right on the red was | | | | There's a story told by Nasreddin Hodja, the |
| blocking the crosswalk. At the wheel of the Lexus | | | | ancient Turkish mystic, that sums up our law |
| was an otherwise intelligent looking | | | | perfectly. Hodja was standing in the marketplace |
| thirty-something woman who had absolutely no | | | | when a perfect stranger slapped him in the face. |
| idea I was coming. Now, most people who don't | | | | Hodja took the stranger to the Qadi-a judge ruling |
| want blood, skin and other traceable human DNA | | | | in accordance with Islamic religious law-and |
| samples splattered on the grill of their luxury cars | | | | demanded compensation. As the proceedings |
| take the time to look up and down the sidewalk | | | | unfolded, Hodja began to suspect that the |
| before accelerating through a crosswalk. Not this | | | | stranger and the judge were friends. His |
| bird. I couldn't blame her for not seeing me, | | | | suspicions were confirmed when the stranger |
| though. After all, she was quite busy talking on | | | | admitted guilt and was handed down a fine of one |
| her cell phone. Not, by the way, handsfree. She | | | | piaster. Further, the judge granted the defendant |
| was chatting away while holding the phone up to | | | | the leeway to go get the piaster and bring it back |
| her ear. That logs her at the top of my list of | | | | to Hodja at his own convenience. The defendant |
| bottom dwellers, especially since anyone who | | | | left and Hodja waited...and waited...and waited. |
| runs, bikes, walks, drives or breathes encounters | | | | After a length of time had passed, Hodja |
| these people on a daily basis. My typical calm, | | | | approached the Qadi and asked, "Do I understand |
| cool, mature reaction would be to run right up to | | | | correctly that one piaster is sufficient payment |
| the car, not quite in front of it and, when she | | | | for a slap?" The judge answered, "yes." Hodja |
| takes off without looking, I would knock on the | | | | then slapped the judge in the face and said, "You |
| fender and scare the gossip out of her. I didn't do | | | | may keep my piaster when the defendant |
| that this morning for one simple reason. I couldn't | | | | returns with it." |
| take the chance she would actually hit me | | | | Hodja's humorous wisdom aside, that's the |
| because I wasn't wearing clean underwear. Yes, | | | | California cell phone law. The fine is so minimal |
| despite the fact that I'm a grown man with three | | | | that drivers would rather slap police officers, their |
| kids of my own, I couldn't bear to hear my | | | | fellow drivers, the State of California and their |
| mother say "I told you so" when she arrived at | | | | passengers in the face than put down their |
| the hospital and heard the nurse and doctor | | | | phones in the name of safety. These people |
| talking about my dirty drawers. So, I let this | | | | either just don't realize the danger...or they just |
| woman go...and she never once looked my way. | | | | don't care. Either option places them squarely in |
| Never had the slightest clue that if I had been a | | | | the beans for brains category. |
| less attentive eight year old or a passive | | | | Now, I have my own opinions of those who |
| aggressive adult with clean underwear, she could | | | | ignore the law, but I'll keep my thoughts to |
| have easily ended a life. | | | | myself because I'm sure they're all very nice |
| Six miles later...okay, half a mile later...I was | | | | people (self-centered, arrogant posers.) They're |
| approaching another pedestrian danger zone-the | | | | probably all outstanding citizens (who drown |
| dreaded homeowner blindly backing out of their | | | | puppies for pleasure.) I doubt any of them would |
| driveway. Now, these people don't get my fender | | | | ever harm a fly (only a carload of babies.) And |
| rap. For no-look driveway backer-outers, I | | | | besides, who amongst us hasn't held a cellphone |
| reserve the "arms thrown up in the air" and the | | | | up to their ear during the most pressing of |
| "what the f" look. They seem to respond to it. | | | | meaningless conversations? (Me and millions of |
| Not always amicably. In fact, never amicably. But, | | | | other drivers.) |
| I wasn't going to employ that tactic in this case, | | | | So, yes, I'll keep my opinions of those who flaunt |
| because the driver about to back out was an | | | | the law to myself (I bet they kiss with their eyes |
| elderly woman who looked like she should have | | | | open.) But, I would argue for the usage of hands |
| had her license revoked for senility eight years | | | | free devices from an entirely different point of |
| ago. I didn't want a heart attack on my hands. | | | | view. Not a legal one. A practical one. |
| Plus, I would have had to wait around for the | | | | We all know that anyone can drive with one hand. |
| paramedics and miss my son's school play. But, | | | | But, if one hand is tied up holding a phone to your |
| guess what? I didn't need the look anyway. This | | | | head, then you unequivocally give up your ability |
| woman peered down the street both ways...and | | | | to use your other hand for the important things in |
| saw me. Before even taking her car out of park, | | | | safe driving-like drinking coffee, turning up the |
| she smiled and politely waved me on, then waited | | | | radio, throwing water bottles at the kids in the |
| until I safely passed until she proceeded to back | | | | back seat, applying make-up, eating tacos, sending |
| out of her driveway. | | | | a car fax or flipping off the driver next to you |
| So, what gives? How is it that a senile woman | | | | who almost sideswiped you because he was |
| who's probably shaking off a long night's sleep | | | | holding a cell phone up to his ear. All of these are |
| courtesy of Ambien with a morning dose of | | | | rights and privileges we've earned as drivers but, |
| Xanax chased down by two cups of Maxwell | | | | so help me Buddha, we flush every one of them |
| House coffee turns out to be a better, more | | | | down the toilet when we tie up one hand with a |
| vigilant, safer driver than a healthy, active, | | | | cell phone. (Yes, I know most California drivers |
| professional woman in her prime? It's the cell | | | | can use two hands to eat a Double-Double Burger |
| phone. And that brings me to my point. | | | | and drink Diet Coke while steering with their |
| As of July 1, 2008, California drivers were banned | | | | knees-but, for legal liability reasons, I'm going to |
| from using cell phones without a handsfree device | | | | avoid that recommendation here.) |
| while operating a moving vehicle. | | | | So you see, I'm not dismissing the fact that we |
| The plan was to save lives. Not a bad plan. The | | | | live in a car culture and require access to a full |
| problem is, it didn't work. A recent study by the | | | | array of amenities in our vehicles. If you think |
| National Institute For Highway Safety determined | | | | about it, most people spend more time in their |
| that the law has had no effect whatsoever in | | | | cars than in church. But you wouldn't carry a |
| reducing crashes. Before the ban, California had 8 | | | | ticking time bomb into church. That's what you do |
| crashes per 100 vehicles. A year after the law | | | | when you hold a cell phone up to your ear while |
| went into effect, we had 7.5 crashes per 100 | | | | driving. You know who you are, people. What you |
| vehicles. Now, I'm not trying to negate the value | | | | don't know is when the crash is going to happen. |
| of that half a person whose life might have been | | | | But, as sure as Justin Bieber will join the forgotten |
| saved in that half a crash reduction. In fact, it | | | | ranks of Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett, it very |
| could have been me. After all, my wife would be | | | | likely is going to happen. It's just a matter of time. |
| eager to tell you I'm half the man I was twenty | | | | So, for the love of runners, bikers, walkers and |
| years ago. The thing is, the half a crash reduction | | | | wide-eyed babies everywhere, I'm asking all of |
| corresponded to a similar reduction in accidents in | | | | you common sense challenged chatty-cheetahs to |
| neighboring states that didn't enact a cell phone | | | | put your phones down and get a handsfree |
| law. So, the statistics show that the cell phone | | | | device once and for all. Do it today. If that's too |
| ban had no impact whatsoever. | | | | much of an effort for you, then remember this. |
| What's the deal? Some would say people are just | | | | When you do finally cause that accident, whether |
| ignoring the law. They'd be right. And, let's face it, | | | | a fender bender or major pile-up, the rest of us |
| with a $20 fine for a first offense, no one is | | | | law-abiding drivers will take great satisfaction in |
| waking up in a cold sweat at 3:00 a.m. worried the | | | | knowing that your cellphone bill will prove |
| fabric of their family's financial foundation will be | | | | irrefutably that you were trading party dip recipes |
| torn asunder by a cell phone fine. I mean, $20 will | | | | over the cellular network at the exact time of |
| barely buy you two iced coffee drinks at | | | | the accident. When a gum wrapper tossed out a |
| Starbucks. Or a gallon of gas once the Gulf oil spill | | | | car window can do that, I'll slap myself in the face. |